RelentlessMom – Page 2 – RelentlessMoms

On A Budget Projects

When on a budget and need something new there is nothing more rewarding than refurbishing something old to make it look new and refreshed! It is also a great stress reliever as I tend not to think about anything else when I dive into a project! The cost savings is incredible when it comes to doing it yourself! Here are some ideas and projects I have worked on!

Turning an old dresser into a buffet table simply with spray paint! Supplies included about 6 cans of spray paint, tape, and tarp! Several light coats is the key here! Much more cost effective than buying a brand new buffet table!

Spray paint light shades instead of replacing expensive light fixtures. Be sure to use spray paint that can handle high heat. When moving into a new house it can get very costly making it your own. By cutting costs with this simple trick it can really help your budget.

When looking online to find a cute walk hook bar for my daughter’s room I was surprised to find most were in the $30-$40 range. I found an old laundry hook that I was not using in my basement. With a little spray paint, cute ballerina and jewel stickers my daughter and I had a great time putting this together for a fraction of the cost!

My son sure loves his cars and trucks! I kept the box from a set he got as a gift and painted it to be a display for room. The supplies included paint I had in the house and permanent markers for the cars and trucks I drew, colored then attached.

Peanut Allergy – The Why and What Next

On March 8, 2016 I took both of my kiddos for their retest for peanut allergy. They are to be retested yearly. I had high hopes that now that I got their eczema under control that their peanut allergy would have lessened or disappeared altogether. I know, call me crazy, but I was hopeful. My husband came with me this time for the skin prick testing. The idea was that if both kiddos passed the skin prick they would later do a peanut challenge where they are introduced tiny bits of peanuts in increments to see how they would react. I was hoping to get an all clear before the Fall school year started. I was very confused, frustrated and overwhelmed to see my kiddos peanut allergies both went up on the test and both to a 4+ on a 0-4 scale. While Andrew’s hives enlarged on his back he sat playing happily with his trucks while Adalyn cried and screamed, “It hurt” while her hives appeared.

After our kiddos backs were wiped and hydrocortisone applied the skin settled while my heart sank. I had so many questions. I wanted to know WHY? Why do my kids have this? What did I do? Why do both of them have this? The allergist was so patient with me and we talked quite a bit. She walked with me out of the office that day and told me to go home and digest everything and call her in a few days with questions.

I have done my fair share of research when it comes to eczema and peanut allergy about as much as any mother could do. And I know my personality is a bit relentless to say the least. But I question everything. I can’t help but ask why? Of course the first thing I do right away is point the finger at myself? Is it me? Was it my poor diet while breastfeeding that caused this? Did I have a leaky gut that I passed down to my kids? Is it their diet? Is it dairy or gluten causing inflammation in their gut causing their little bodies to overreact to peanuts? Is it the fact that they both have the sugar bug vein across the bridge of their nose that is known for making kiddos sensitive to sugar? Is it sugar? Is it Candida? Do my kiddos have poor gut health and have Candida overgrowth from antibiotics? Shouldn’t having them on probiotics be helping this? If you are an Eczema or Allergy Parent you probably have stumbled on the same research and have those same questions floating in your head!

I question the Why because I feel like it should help us figure out the how do we fix this? I have to tell myself again and again that I in no way blame my mother for my allergy to cats so I shouldn’t blame myself for my kiddos allergies to peanuts but I can’t seem to help it. I am their mother and I feel in some way that I should have been able to protect them from this or help them get over this!

I started researching about what parents are doing to overcome their children’s food allergies. I wanted to learn about how I could desensitize them to the point that if they ingest a peanut I would at least know that it may only cause a slight reaction. I have read about Homeopathy, Acupressure, OIT (Oral Immunotherapy), the effect Staph has on the skin, Alkaline diets, the use of probiotics to balance the good vs bad bacteria in the gut, GAPS diet and Gluten diets. I also question why when we did Adalyn’s blood work it comes back 0 but why she gets conflicting results with a skin prick test and they are two completely different ends of the spectrum. I put all of my thoughts in a letter to our allergist.

March 16, 2016 – Letter to Allergist

I hope you are well and enjoyed your vacation. I received your message last Monday after we visited your office and I greatly appreciated you taking the time to follow up with us. I left you a message back but thought I would follow up with an email so I could be more clear on my questions.

Your message indicated that you were recommending we think about doing a follow up blood test for Adalyn X after she tested 4+ on her skin test on 3/8/2016 after testing 0 on her blood work on 6/30/2015.

My husband and I are considering doing the repeat blood test for Adalyn but I have some questions. What are your thoughts on any of the theories that help to desensitize peanut allergy? Since last June I have been reading a bit on peanut allergy but after both kids have tested so high it has made me think about what else I should be doing. Andrew X also tested a 4+ on his skin prick test on 3/8/16. While I completely agree with the recommendation of retesting and avoidance of peanuts what can we do to help lessen the allergy?

I have read about OIT (Oral Immunotherapy), GAPS diet, and NAET theories/techniques for allergy elimination. In your experience have you seen anyone truly have success in at least somewhat desensitizing or lessening the allergy?

Another thing I am curious on is the effect Staph has on any of this? My children suffered from eczema and no doubt scratched and clawed at their skin for some time. It is not far fetched in my opinion that staph could be present on their skin. I had asked a dermatologist once if she could swab my kids eczema for staph and I was told it was not necessary. I recently came across an article talking about the National Jewish Health Organization’s findings on the correlation between Staph and Peanut Allergy. It talks abut how Staph breaks down the skin and can allow for food proteins to enter the skin. They found that 59% of patients with Staph tested positive on a skin prick test to peanut allergy. The article is attached here (http://allergicliving.com/2016/03/15/staph-infections-on-the-eczema-patients-skin-linked-to-peanut-allergy/).

The reason I bring this up is because I am curious if it would explain why Adalyn shows high on her skin prick testing but 0 on her bloodwork? Is it due to the presence of Staph? Would it be out of the question to swab her skin, do bleach baths (have never considered before), swab her skin again for staph and if negative for staph, repeat the skin prick test? What are your thoughts on this?

I know this is a ton of information and questions that I am throwing out to you. I thought it was easier to write it out than to try to take up your time over the phone. I am just a mom with 2 kids with high peanut allergies wondering where I can go from here? I remember you telling me when I met you that you would love to see a “cure” for peanut allergy in your lifetime. I can’t say that I am necessarily thinking this would “cure” it but is this possibly an option to at least get my kids somewhat desensitized enough to the point I don’t need to be worried if they ingest it?

Please let me know your thoughts. I welcome any opinions and greatly appreciate any advice you have for us. I am completely open to ideas or techniques to try to lessen this allergy.

I was pleasantly surprised to have the doctor call me to discuss and I was even more grateful for the in depth conversation we had and how she took the time to actually explain things to me. She told me everything from her experience and what her thoughts were. She explained that she has never read any scientific data that proves acupressure works and warned that I may waste my money heading down that path. She didn’t discourage my path if I decided to find a private practice that did OIT. She simply said that they were not set up for it. She said they were not equipped with the 24 hour on call nursing staff needed to help parents experiencing reactions at home while doing OIT. She had no concern with staph being an issue relating to my kids allergy because I had gotten the eczema under control. She also explained that she had seen plenty of cases where children had the peanut allergy but did not have eczema. She assured me that my diet while pregnant and diet in general had no barring on their allergies. She told me that the only thing to blame is our genes. Where she provided hope was that she has read very exciting things about Allergy Patch Therapy which is showing promise and is in final stages of testing and may be available within a couple of years. Our plan meanwhile would be to keep my kiddos peanut free (Andrew also cashew and pistachio) and continue to carry an epi pen and Benadryl on hand in case. We would also schedule Adalyn for blood work to see what a repeat blood work test showed. If it still said 0 or read very low she may consider going through with a peanut challenge for her.

I planned on taking Adalyn for her blood-work the following Thursday when we had some time in her schedule. She was off of school that week and we had a jam-packed week planned for her. The Wednesday before we were out having lunch at one of our usual places and we ordered the same meal and items we frequently get. I have checked all labels and ingredients of these items. I looked at Adalyn after she ate and she had a hive above her lip and it was getting bigger. She then started to claw at her throat. With her hive continuing to increase in size we headed for the door and she was given a dose of Benadryl. Within a few minutes the hive and itching disappeared. I was ready though. I was prepared to give her the epi. I had always wondered how I would truly feel if I saw Ady react and if I would be strong enough to give her that epi pen. I can now tell you I would have been because I was ready. I watched her like a hawk and I would have done about anything in the world in that instance if her symptoms got worse. I would have injected her and not thought another thing of it. It really scared me. It was the first reaction I had ever witnessed Adalyn to have had.

I followed up with our Dr that afternoon. She suggested Adalyn came in contact with cross contamination was her best guess with peanut. It was decided at that time Adalyn was no longer a candidate for the peanut challenge and we should repeat the blood test in one year. Testing her now would only be putting her through it for more of a curiosity standpoint. I was to call again if I were to suspect any other allergies and keep her posted if anything like this happens again.

Adalyn slept all afternoon from the Benadryl and Andrew took his usual nap. I researched. I started googling about alternative allergy treatment near me. I came across a doctor nearby that practices something called LZR7 Laser Allergy Treatment. I read about it on the website and called to get a bit more information. The lady I spoke with told me I called the right place. I was extremely skeptical. She asked me to bring the kiddos in for a consult and just check it out. I scheduled it for the next day.

I went in skeptical. The person I met surprised me. He explained to me how his son had a severe allergy to milk as a child and how he was on a mission to help him when he was young. He came across this treatment and his allergy was treated. He described car rides and how he would have to pull over frequently when his son would get sick after eating dairy. As I told him Andrew’s story it was all too familiar to him. He wasn’t a salesey kind of guy at all but more like a dad talking to a mom about something that might help her kid like it helped his. I was intrigued but suspicious. I also knew when I learned about the cost that my husband would never in a million years go for it. I considered not telling him and taking the money from my savings account and just going through with the 12 treatments. But, I have to take a step back. I have tried so many things and we have spent so much money. I have scheduled to have my husband meet Doc on Tuesday. If he convinces him and we go through with this I will write about our journey. If it flops it will save other families from the same mistake. Oh but if it works… If my kids no longer have to deal with food allergies and eczema I will share that with every parent I can find.

Update: We started our 1st of 12 treatments on 4/14/2016. We will complete treatments in June and I will update the results and our journey at that time.

Moving On

I researched how to create a website and started this site on April 18, 2015. For the past year I have developed this site, written our story and revamped it over and over again to get it as close to my vision as possible. If anything is taken away from this site it would be that while you are on a difficult journey to not lose sight in the joys of life around you. I write for the parents out there struggling and needing to find someone to relate to. I am not a doctor; just a mother and parent just like you. I write when my little ones are sleeping and I need to clear my head. I have written so I don’t have to discuss things constantly with those around me. I know how it wears on relationships. I write with a drive, passion and maybe a bit naïve hope that others could one day benefit from our journey. I hang on the possibility that everything we have been through has had some greater purpose and will lead to answers, connections, or insights for someone to figure out things sooner than we did.

I have toyed with the idea of going “live” for quite sometime. There is always something holding me back. I need to add this or add that before it is ready.

As I approach the one-year mark of this site I feel now may be as good a time as any. I have purged so much of this info from my brain. I can’t tell you how many nights I would think, “Oh wait, I should write about this!”

Creating this site & writing our story has been extremely therapeutic, healing and has helped to keep things in perspective for me. It has helped me cope and deal with my feelings and emotions so that I may be able to move on with life positively.

The next year for me is about our family moving on with life with joy and enthusiasm about what lies ahead. My daughter starts Kindergarten in the fall at a peanut free school. I am going to start my son in a peanut free preschool in the fall part time. I think he is ready and I think this momma is ready to head back to work part time. I feel that because of this site and my writing I can head back out to the work world with a clear head because I have dealt with where we have been. I am ready to find myself again but I am certainly not the same person I was when I left. While it has been a rough road I have gained compassion, empathy and joy for others around me like I have never known.

I am happy to report my kids are doing fantastic.

They are happy, healthy and laugh a lot. They sleep well which is now an amazing gift. The two of them have a friendship and bond that I am ecstatic over and grateful for.

While they have their moments they sure play well together and really look out for each other. I can say that Andrew has normal/ age appropriate behavior and it would be ok to have him in someone else’s care and probably be good for him in many aspects. Today, when Andrew lays with me, smiles, hugs my leg, gives me Eskimo kisses and lets me hold him I appreciate it more than I can ever explain to you. Until you know the feeling when a child doesn’t want to be held does it teach your heart to cherish the holding in such a way you would never want to let go.

I will continue to be relentless for my children in our fight against peanut allergies and our search for answers for their flare-ups. I will keep moving with epi pens in hand and writing to tell you as I learn more.

As I approach April 18^th, I ask myself should I go live or should I hit delete? I know what I have gained from writing this personally. I know it has helped me in so many ways. I could certainly hit delete and it all just go away. But, the reason I created this was not for me, it was for others to not have to go through what we did for so long. Sometimes I think it could be so much easier to hit delete than to put our story live. I will do it because I truly believe there is someone out there this will reach. There has to be some reason I would lay awake at night thinking I must write this. If you are that person I wish you all the best on your journey and hope this brings a light at the end of your tunnel.

God Bless You,

Love,

A Relentless Mom

Ady’s First Deposit

If there is anything parents can relate to it is how the worst things always happen in the most awkward of places. We have all been there and while they may have been awkward at the time we can all look back on them and laugh. My husband and I love the beginning of the movie Couple’s Retreat where Vince Vaughn and his family head to the home improvement store. His son proceeds to use the toilet in one of the bathroom displays. I think every parents dies laughing because that too or something similar has happened to them or they could see it happening.

When Ady was 2 months old I took her to open up her first account at my local bank. I remember that day so clearly and my favorite outfit she had on. It was a pink floral romper with matching hat and she was darling in it.

As we discussed the different options for her first savings account Adalyn sat on my lap while the agent admired her. As we continued on, Adalyn pooped. This wasn’t a little poop. Adalyn pooped so much it went up her back and I could see it through her romper and could feel the warmth on my leg. I am sure my face turned all shades of red in that moment. The agent was as kind as could be as I explained that I had to change her and quick! She explained that they did not have a public restroom and offered me her bosses’ office next to hers. She walked me in and said I could change Adalyn on her bosses’ desk. She instructed me to do it and I laid out my gear and cleaned her right up. If I had to do it again I would have changed it on the floor rather than her bosses’ desk. Luckily the boss was not in that day but I could only imagine what this person must have been like for her to have offered me to do that on their desk!

I am not quite sure what it is about banks but when Adalyn was two, she, her dad and I went to another bank to have a meeting about refinancing our house. Adalyn sat on her dads lap that day. I remember that day well because he was bouncing her on his knee as we talked and she projectile vomited all over the agent’s desk and floor. Oh we did what we could to clean it up but I can’t imagine she got that smell of sour milk out of her office for quite some time.

Ady was not just partial to banks. We enjoyed a poop explosion in a dressing room at Kohl’s once too. When Ady was a baby I always would go to a dressing room if we were out and we needed to break for a nursing session. Target and Kohl’s dressing rooms make for a very pleasant and relaxed nursing experience. This particular trip my mother was with us at Kohl’s because it was my first shopping trip out with Adalyn. My mother decided to go look at clothing on her own while I went into the dressing room to nurse Adalyn. As she fed I watched the two of us in the mirror ahead of me. I don’t know what it was about nursing but that was always Adalyn’s magic poop time. She would just relax and release. As I looked in the mirror I noticed brown seeping through her outfit and crawling up her back. There was so much I didn’t know what to do. I was in a dressing room! I quickly grabbed my phone and asked my mother to join us. I was so grateful for her that day as she helped me clean up Adalyn and get her a wardrobe change.

While I can’t remember that many more instances where Adalyn pooped like that, when she did do it she made it memorable.

The only other time I remember her throwing up, as a baby was when I was holding her in her bedroom when she was running her first fever. I was holding her in my left arm and our faces were close together as I was comforting her. Right then, she puked and it shot straight and direct right into my mouth. I think it was the first time Adalyn had ever vomited. I remember gagging and rushing to get us cleaned up after. I don’t remember if I was more concerned with her vomiting in my mouth or that I was so consumed with the fact it was her first time ever throwing up. Either way, I always will remember Adalyn’s first bank deposit, shopping trip and first vomit. While these are not the usual things you want to remember they are the things that I look back and laugh about.

Really? From A Blackhead?

I understand fully that I am that friend. I am the friend that always seems to have a story. There is always some crazy thing that is going on with me. I always seem to have the most bizarre things going on in my life. I am really not quite sure why this is really.

I got my first blackhead a few years back. It was located on the right side of my left breast. Right where an underwire might hit. It looked just like a large clogged pore with a black dot in the middle. I get routine skin checks at my dermatologist so I asked her about it during one of my exams. She explained that it was a blackhead and she used a tool that basically pushes down on all the surrounding area to force it up. I know sexy, right? It sure hurt but she got it out. She had me apply cream on it after and told me not to pick at it or bother it.

Well, of course it came back and it would bother me every so often. One day I was at a beauty supply store and I saw that same tool she used in the office! Perfect! I can take care of it myself next time and rid this “thing” as I needed to. I remember even telling my sister about my newfound treasure! I would say about every 6 months or so I would take care of it on my own. It wasn’t often but from time to time it would clog back up.

In September of 2015 I noticed something had changed with my blackhead. There was a lump underneath. About the size of a pea and it was hard. My husband noticed it too and when I put on nightshirts or pajamas I could see the outline of it through my clothes when I wasn’t wearing a bra. I was happy I had my skin check coming up in a few weeks at my dermatologist’s office. I should mention I get regular 6 month skin exams since Basal- Cell Skin Cancer runs in my family and it has been determined I have cancerous susceptible cells. As my doctor was completing my body exam I showed her my lump. I explained to her what I had been doing and taking care of my blackhead. She was kind but not happy. She explained to me that the tool she uses was a few hundred dollars and that she has the proper training to use it while I did not. She was concerned for the lump and the possible chance that if I did not leave it alone it could one day abscess and that she didn’t want that to happen especially since it was on my breast. She gave me a topical cream that she was hoping to shrink it with and I was to check back in 6 months.

I sure left it alone. I could tell she was very concerned over this. I applied the cream as needed but it really did nothing. I have come to accept that this pea size lump on my breast is now a part of me. It doesn’t help that I had experienced the “Great Deflate” after breastfeeding. My incredibly tiny breasts now have something sticking out of one of them while fairly small looks fairly large in comparison to its host.

A couple of weeks back I started noticing something going on with my breasts. They started to feel different. At least the one on the left with the lump. I remember squeezing the one slightly to see if it was making milk? It was just an odd sensation. I noticed the lump was feeling a bit different and I started to apply the cream again. Was it the bra that seemed to not fit right that I disposed of the other day? I remember it kept coming unbuckled. Maybe it bothered my breast? Did something irritate it?

Then it happened. It grew. My pea size lump turned into a red, warm to touch golf ball. It concerned me. I didn’t call my dermatologist right away. I called my OB right away to make sure I really was taking care of this how I should be. She assured me that Dermatology was in fact the correct place to start. I called my Dermatologist quickly after. I explained that I had a 6-month check up in 2 weeks but I was afraid to wait. It was a Monday morning and I know how busy their office was. I was sure they wouldn’t be able to get me in until my appointment. I was thankful I at least had one in two weeks. I received a call back within the hour asking me to come to the office right away to see the surgeon. I was very fortunate my husband was able to come home and watch my son for me so I could head over to the appointment after taking my daughter to preschool.

I learned that day that my blackhead had developed a cyst behind it and that cyst had abscessed. I had to have an antibiotic injection and was put on a 10-day oral antibiotic to knock out any possible infection. They would also need to do a surgical procedure to extract the cyst in 2 months once it had enough time to shrink down. I would not be able to lift anything for 10 days! 10 days? Not lift? How do you tell a mom of a 2 year old, 4 year old and new puppy they can’t lift anything for 10 days?

I was informed that this was not a tumor or life threatening in any way. While I told my family, I really didn’t tell my friends about this right away. The whole thing had truly scared me and I was so grateful and felt blessed that this was truly all it was.

On the way to that appointment that day I had dropped my daughter off at school. I stopped at my church’s Adoration Chapel and I prayed. I prayed hard. No woman ever likes to feel a lump on her breast and for that period of unknowing what was lurking in my breast brought me incredible fear. You know the fear I speak of. It is the fear that takes my breath away to think about and makes my stomach turn. I feel really lucky that it was just a cyst from a blackhead but it was scary to say the least. While I had the injection into my breast I remember feeling thankful for what was happening. Thankful to God that this was all it was. I am not afraid for the upcoming extraction surgery in May. Just thankful that all it is, is a cyst. I am so thankful to God for that. It is so hard to imagine that from a tiny blackhead came an abscessed cyst. What should you take away from this story? Leave your blackheads to your dermatologist to deal with. Learn from my crazy experience, especially if it is on your breast. Who would have thought right? From a blackhead? Just another wild story to add to my list I guess.

The Lenten Bucket List – 2015

Why don’t I have a bucket list? I honestly don’t have a list of things I feel like I must do or places I must visit. I enjoy traveling and experiencing new things but I don’t know that I feel that I will have missed anything in this life if I don’t get to do certain things. Maybe it is just the stage of life I am in right now and one day I will feel differently. Currently I am the mom to two beautiful young children who bring me joy in every day and I have the most amazing husband a girl could ask for. In my life, being a mom and a wife has overflowed my “bucket”. So, when I hear people talk about a bucket list I have always feel a bit lost in the conversation. Shouldn’t I have those dreams I started to ask myself?

I have a list in my head that I would like to one day fulfill its just a different kind of a of bucket list. What about the things we think about doing but never get around to doing for others? We get these thoughts about how nice it would be to do something for others but we never have time in our days. We always hear about those people who pay for others or do nice deeds but how often do we ourselves do them? I have been a full time working mom, a part time working mom and now a stay at home mom. I can tell you that in each situation, you lack time and often the funds. It is so hard to get to your own laundry list of “to do’s” needed just to run your own household. I am as guilty as anyone for this. So time for extras and things we would like to do for others is sometimes tough to fit in.

I started to think what about a bucket list of things to do for others would look like. Maybe a humanitarian sort of bucket list? Maybe I make a list of things that I would like to do for others in my lifetime? I have always had this idea that I want to go to a woman’s shelter and take a mom and kids and pay their bills for 6 months to help her get back on her feet. My husband and I get no greater joy than when we have sponsored families at Christmas time. What if I could do more? What if we start with little things in our everyday lives and work our way up? While I am sure there are many wonderful people who are doing these things, I need to be a better person and incorporate this into my own life and make time. I need to give of myself; I need to give back to others, donate more, complete random acts of kindness and volunteer more. I need to give back to make this world a better place.

For me the past few years of becoming a mom have changed me dramatically. Watching the news now just brings fears like I could have never imagined. Sometimes after watching the news I want to lock my kids in the house and never allow them to leave. I think about how awful the world is and how unsafe I feel almost everywhere. I ask myself the same question probably all moms have in previous generations. Did my mother feel this way? When asked, she said she had the same fears and questions for her mother.

While in college the year after 9-11 a sorority sister quoted Mr. Rogers reminding us that when there is a disaster or evil done in the world not to focus on the one or few individuals committing the crime but rather, “Look for the helpers.” (Fred Rogers). When you focus on all the good people “helping” you see there are far more good than evil. The day I was home and watched the Boston Marathon bombing that was all I could do was to think of the “helpers” to get me through seeing the events of that day unfold. My deepest sympathy to all the victims and the families of that tragic day. The news and things we hear daily keep getting worse. Who would have thought I would feel nervous to take my kids to the mall playground in the most chilling of winters in Cleveland because I don’t feel safe anymore even at the malls around me.

When I look at the evil in the world I always think, we as mothers need to get this world back in gear. Teach our children to love each other and be kind to one another regardless of someone’s race, religion, social status or whatever. When I am out in public with my kids I start talking to moms all around me. You connect with other moms and relate to them just from motherhood experiences. It doesn’t matter your background we are all moms and are all dealing with the same things. It is motherhood that unites us. The love, care and concern for our children that unites us across all nationalities and religions. I have the same momma talk with other mommas no matter what she looks like or her background. We relate simply because of motherhood. That is what brings us together. Not her skin, her religion but that she is a momma and we instantly know what we are going through. We can instantly speak and bond over discussions of tireless nights, where to get the best baby gear, the funny things our children do, eczema, nursing struggles, allergies, colic and the love we have for our children. On the journey with my son I have been a part of an International Support Group for Eczema. You see the same support, struggle and determination from every mom no matter which country she is from. If it is our world that is so divided maybe it is mothers that relate to each other that will help to unite this world back. One thing I have learned as a mom is just how similar we all are. How similar our children are. Children share the commonalities of play, curiosity, laughter and spirit. You cannot tell a child’s race, background or sex from their laugh or their cry. We mothers need to remember this as we teach our children to be kind to one another and we ourselves treat each other.

A few months back there was so much in the news about police officers and race issues. I kept thinking to myself. If my husband was a policeman I would be terrified for him to go to work today no matter what our race was. I would just be concerned for his safety. I can’t even imagine how many other wives feel that way each day. One day, there was a policeman patrolling my cul-de-sac on a bitter cold day. I dressed my kiddos up and we brought him a cup of coffee and chocolate treats I had in the cupboard. I told him we just wanted to “Thank him for the work he does and let him know he was appreciated.” I can’t imagine how tough it must be to be in the army, navy, & law enforcement. These men and women are putting themselves in harms way every day to protect all of us and our families and earning far less respect than they clearly deserve. The next time you see a man or woman in uniform whether army, military, law enforcement, remember to smile at them and say, “Thank you for your service.” I have been doing this for the past few years and I can’t tell you how caught off guard they get to hear this. But, they need to hear it, from each of us. They need to know how valued they are and how much they are worth and appreciated by each family in this country.

Our world has become an incredibly scary place. We are watching stories on the news of ISIS and shooters in our children’s schools. There is so much hate and we can talk all day of taking away guns from keeping people from harming each other but doesn’t loving others and being kind to others need to start at home? What happened to instilling good morals into our children and teaching our children to respect each other and respect adults, teachers, military and law enforcement?

So as I approached Lent this year I was trying to figure out what to give up. I know I could say I was giving up chocolate but let’s be real. It would take one real tough tantrum from one of my kiddos and I would be sneaking the chocolate covered pretzels stashed in the pantry. I wanted something real for Lent. Last year I attempted the 40 bags 40 days declutter project. That is amazing for anyone who has not tried this. But this year I felt that Lent should be for me about what I could give of myself for 40 days. Then I thought again about my bucket list. This year each day I would try to think of something I can do for someone else. It doesn’t have to be big or expensive but just something to help someone, make someone’s day and to simply plant kindness in our world. Once my list was completed I would probably just delete it or keep it for personal use. It is not something to post or show others what I did but just something between god and myself.

As I started this project I was wondering how I could come up with 40 things but everyday I just keep thinking of more and more things I had wanted to do for those around me. I kept the list for myself and each day I would add something that we did for someone else. There were days I didn’t know what to do and I would almost be seeking out others around me while out and about to help. What joy it brought to my life to do for others. When you open your eyes and look around you and see those in need you truly see how many people truly could use help. So many things from that experience I have taken with me. Every time, I am at the grocery store I am always looking to see when I take my cart back if there is someone else that may benefit from me taking his or her cart back too. Sometimes it’s the little things we do for others than can turn another person’s day around. Sometimes it’s just about compassion towards others. I can’t tell you how fun it was to do something for strangers around me that would never know me just know that someone did something for them out of kindness. To restore faith in someone else’s world that kindness indeed still exists! It was fun to imagine what their reactions would be when I left. Did it turn someone’s bad day around. These things you do for others could be simply visiting a relative that could use company, sending flowers or card to someone in need, picking up the tab for someone else as you pick up your take out at a local restaurant, paying someone else’s bill at a drive thru, volunteering at church or local charity or cleaning up in your neighborhood. Whatever is in your heart. Anything. Some things will seek you when you are open to it. Maybe if we all do enough good or exhibit enough kindness in our world it might shrink the size of the evil we all feel exists around us.

“We will never have a perfect world, but it is not romantic or naïve to work towards a better one.” – Steven Pinker

I read that on a Chipotle bag a few months back and it has been something that has just stuck with me. I will continue my list as I continue on this journey through Lent. I will look for ways to help others. While this is something that I should do in my everyday life it is something I am going to practice and challenge myself to do during Lent this year. This is my promise to God this Lenten season. I truly believe that with all the evil in the world we can make a difference and bring so much joy and love to the world through good deeds towards others. I pray that God helps me on this journey and one day maybe others would try the “Humanitarian Bucket List” during their 40-Day Lent. Maybe if we as mothers teach our children to be kind to others but also show them humanity through our own acts we can help to make this world a much better place to leave for them.

The Screams

I think this is one of the toughest parts to look back on and write about. But, I think to properly tell our story its necessary. A child cannot go through 12 months of colic and the agony of itchy eczema without developing some learned behavior. My daughter Adalyn inherited my high pitch scream without a doubt. I was once told that Andrew gets his high pitch scream from mimicking his sister. We never were able to properly sleep train Andrew and his scream was like a fire alarm that sent us in a tale spin at night. I always felt he was in pain so I absolutely coddled him and I don’t regret that. He always had a very demanding cry. If you mix demanding and high pitched you get a terridactile banshee scream that could send anyone over the edge. I am thankful to God that I didn’t go over the edge a time or two. When Andrew was a baby and would scream in pain it wasn’t the volume or the demand in his cry but the sheer pain I heard in his cry that hurt my heart. I could handle the volume but I had a hard time with what was hurting him so much. His constant cry was more of a reminder that I couldn’t help him or that even if I was trying to provide comfort it didn’t help. It was hard to say the very least. It was the toughest time of my life. There were times Andrew would scream in pain and arch his back when trying to put him to sleep. He wouldn’t let me rock him, sing to him or read him books, He screamed at every bath, at every diaper change, at everything. He met all the symptoms of what is described as a “high needs baby”.

When he didn’t hurt, he was an angel and the most precious little boy on earth. He was the most beautiful and special little boy I have ever seen and I deeply loved him with all of my heart.

I didn’t trust anyone with him. I knew how hard it was sometimes for me as his mother to handle it. I was afraid how someone else that didn’t have that motherly love for him would handle him. I was ok to have my husband or mother help me with breaks but I wasn’t comfortable with much else and I wasn’t comfortable for long periods. I remember on several occasions’ doctors asking me how I was coping. I would always tell them I could handle it while they suggested I needed to get some rest.

I didn’t go back to work, even part time like I had anticipated. I was so scared to. I was so concerned about putting him in daycare and how someone could handle him and other children at the same time when he was having an episode. I wouldn’t have considered having a nanny because I wouldn’t have trusted someone alone with him.

It didn’t help the comments I would get from people. I remember walking Andrew in the stroller and having neighbors comment to me on how loud he was. How they could hear him yelling when they would take their dogs out at night and how they couldn’t believe how loud he was. If I was able to get enough courage to go out in public I was quickly discouraged by the looks of onlookers around me. There were times I had to go to Target or the grocery store and I was always shocked by the judgment of others. I have had people say to me, “Gee you really have your hands full.” I overheard one lady say, “Man, what is wrong with her son!” One lady at checkout one time said to me, “Has he just never heard “no” before?” The best was when one time Andrew was in a good mood and just wanted another cracker at the store. A man walked by me and said, “Man, what is wrong with your son? Tough time of day?” I replied, “No, he just wants another cracker. He is actually having a good day. “ Andrew was actually in a good mood that trip, he was just excited and is just THAT loud. That man came back later during my shopping trip and apologized to me for his comment earlier. I just smiled and said, “No problem, happens all the time.”

We saw a huge change in Andrew after his tongue-tie surgery and his reflux and constipation issues resolved. He did however keep some of his learned behavior. We were prepared for that and were told it would take about a year to grow out of it because that’s how long he went through it. Turning 2 with this type of scream was no picnic. There were often times that if Andrew did have a meltdown in the car over something I would literally have to pull the car over to the side of the road until I could get him to calm down. It was just too distracting.

I had difficulty taking him to certain places. There were places I would go and if something set him off I would have to pick him up screaming and carry him out. There were places I would not be able to show my face at for at least a few months in hopes they would forget about me. One time at the library check out Andrew threw such a fit 2 librarians ran to me so fast to help me at the self check out to get us the heck out of there.

I would try time and time again to take my kiddos to story times in the various cities libraries nearby. I would often switch up which session we attended and which library. I didn’t want to be recognized. There were so many times I had to carry Andrew out screaming. Our favorite library had a train table. We would have the best time ever at that library and could spend the entire morning there. When it came time to leave no matter how much I prepared Andrew he would scream from the train table to the car in sheer hysterics. I remember one time carrying him out and having people standing up from their computers to see the scene we were making… Awesome… I liked that library so much I bought trains to bring with us to try to get him to hold those as we walked out. No dice. Just screams. I haven’t showed my face back there for a long time. I have learned libraries are really not a good place for us. I just wanted to do “normal” things with my kids and Adalyn loved the library. On the rare occasion we go now we attend the toddler story time where everyone is loud. I generally can’t take Andrew to the Preschool one for Adalyn. I usually get about 5 minutes into class when the teacher gives a friendly reminder that if your child is disruptive you can kindly take him out until he calms down.

We greatly enjoy going to the zoo and even the aquarium. We usually do great at those places. The aquarium works so long as we don’t stop at the café upstairs for a snack after. There is a car game there. The last time I tried to take Andrew from the car game I had to carry him in hysterics down the high flight of stairs and people literally walked out of the aquarium to see the scene that we were making. I always feel like we are a spectacle and I absolutely hate that feeling of judgment more than anything.

About two months ago I discovered Chik-fil-A. Where has that been the past two years? How did I not know about this? There are two about 20 minutes in either direction from me. They are very clean, have an almost soundproof play area with a door and I don’t have to feel guilty about feeding my kiddos the food! I am now meeting friends with kiddos for play dates there. Heck, I don’t even have to clean my house! So yes, I think Chik-fil-A is the best place ever! I have yet to try mom’s valet but I hear that is pretty great too! If you go through the drive thru you can order your food and they will have it at your table waiting for you when you get inside. Again, best place ever invented for parents with small kiddos! Last time, I was there they came around with free cookies!

For anyone reading this I want you to take away one thing from our story. If you see a parent in public dealing with a meltdown kindly do one of the following.

Smile at the mom and give her a head nod. The, “I have been there and so I know what you are going through head nod.” Hell, you could even offer to help her if the situation is bad enough.
Do not give that mom any looks. She already feels like the worst mom ever in that moment and does not need your extra judgment. She is hard enough on herself.
If nothing else, please mind your own business and do not stare at them. Go on about your shopping trip. Move Along. There is nothing to see here.

I one time had a meltdown so bad that I had a mom casually follow behind me and said, “I am right behind you if you need help.” She followed me all the way to my car and sat on a bench behind me until I got things under control. While at the time it felt a bit odd, I know what she was doing. She knew what I was going through. She wanted to help. What an angel. I have actually done it for other moms. I saw a mom one time at the dentist unable to physically get her child in the car over a meltdown. She looked exhausted and beyond frustrated. I actually went over to help her once I got my kids buckled in. I helped her calm her child down just enough that she was able to get them buckled. Was it my place? I don’t know. But, I have been in that moment and I know how hard it really is.

As Andrew has hit 2 ½ he is starting to get much better. He is understanding what it means when momma puts her finger in front of her mouth and says “Shh.” He will mimic it back. He is also accepting bribery much better now. Sometimes I bribe him to get in the car by offering a reward or cookie. Don’t tell my husband that. Before going anywhere I always have a conversation with Andrew that if we go inside you have to be a good boy and no screaming. He actually says, “Ok momma”. The best thing that is helping us are tips that I got from a book, “Happiest Toddler on the Block.” By Harvey Karp, MD. One of my husbands co-workers got this for my for Christmas. I have to say it is one of the best parenting books I have ever read. Using tips from this book got me through a meltdown at the start of our Target trip this week and led to a trip that was completed happily with diapers and food pouches rather than me leaving empty handed.

I also have been using what I call the “Screaming Station”. If Andrew has a fit I open up the pack n play and set him in there until he calms down. When he has a meltdown wherever we are I say, “I am going to put you in the Screaming Station.” This sometimes works to. After he is in the Screaming Station I check on him every few minutes and ask, “Are you done screaming?” When he is done, he will finally say, “Yes.” That’s when he comes out.

I recently read an article that talked about in the midst of a public tantrum to remain calm. That others are not judging your child they are judging your reaction. While I absolutely agree with that I also find this to be incredibly sad. It is sad that we judge mothers so harsh in the first place. You have absolutely no idea what that family is going through or has been through. You have no idea when that mother slept last or showered for that matter. Please give her a break on your judgment. Your day may come when you are in that same situation. You may have already been there. Please think back and remember how tough it is. Motherhood is tough & amazing all at the same time but there are no doubt very hard momma minutes.

I was helping my children wash their hands in the Chik-fil-A bathroom the other day and a lady walked by and said, “Oh, I don’t miss those days.” That makes me so sad to hear that. I will miss these days. Hard ones included. My lil sweet peas will only be this young for so long. I am enjoying this time. Even if it’s loud. Even if it’s hard. Even if they scream. So please, don’t judge if you see us. Just look the other way or smile and give me a head nod. Say, “Oh, momma, I have been there!” And smile… but please no looks or judgmental comments.

As you grow…

Adalyn & Andrew as you grow…

When you grow big and you dream about what you will become ask yourself:

What do I want to see change in our world?

How do I want to be a part of that?

How will I leave my mark?

Will this make me happy?

Will it make me proud of myself?

Seek what inspires you, be relentless in your dreams and never get discouraged.

Trust the talents God gave you. It is never too late to use them.

When you cant find your path or the road ahead seems unclear…

Know that’s ok..

Work hard at something you enjoy, whatever that is.

Put your faith in God and in due time, your path will reveal itself to you.

Not everyone finds their path right away.

Sometimes, hard situations push us to the right path.

You do not have to be fulfilled in wealth to feel fulfilled in your heart.

Know that your momma is proud of you everyday for I know who you truly are and the pure kindness in your heart. Sometimes we make mistakes and make bad decisions. This doesn’t mean we are bad people. Forgive yourself often and others around you. Always be kind to others and keep a smile on your face.

Please know I will always be there for you and I am so glad everyday that I get to be your momma.

Love, Momma