I think this is one of the toughest parts to look back on and write about. But, I think to properly tell our story its necessary. A child cannot go through 12 months of colic and the agony of itchy eczema without developing some learned behavior. My daughter Adalyn inherited my high pitch scream without a doubt. I was once told that Andrew gets his high pitch scream from mimicking his sister. We never were able to properly sleep train Andrew and his scream was like a fire alarm that sent us in a tale spin at night. I always felt he was in pain so I absolutely coddled him and I don’t regret that. He always had a very demanding cry. If you mix demanding and high pitched you get a terridactile banshee scream that could send anyone over the edge. I am thankful to God that I didn’t go over the edge a time or two. When Andrew was a baby and would scream in pain it wasn’t the volume or the demand in his cry but the sheer pain I heard in his cry that hurt my heart. I could handle the volume but I had a hard time with what was hurting him so much. His constant cry was more of a reminder that I couldn’t help him or that even if I was trying to provide comfort it didn’t help. It was hard to say the very least. It was the toughest time of my life. There were times Andrew would scream in pain and arch his back when trying to put him to sleep. He wouldn’t let me rock him, sing to him or read him books, He screamed at every bath, at every diaper change, at everything. He met all the symptoms of what is described as a “high needs baby”.
When he didn’t hurt, he was an angel and the most precious little boy on earth. He was the most beautiful and special little boy I have ever seen and I deeply loved him with all of my heart.
I didn’t trust anyone with him. I knew how hard it was sometimes for me as his mother to handle it. I was afraid how someone else that didn’t have that motherly love for him would handle him. I was ok to have my husband or mother help me with breaks but I wasn’t comfortable with much else and I wasn’t comfortable for long periods. I remember on several occasions’ doctors asking me how I was coping. I would always tell them I could handle it while they suggested I needed to get some rest.
I didn’t go back to work, even part time like I had anticipated. I was so scared to. I was so concerned about putting him in daycare and how someone could handle him and other children at the same time when he was having an episode. I wouldn’t have considered having a nanny because I wouldn’t have trusted someone alone with him.
It didn’t help the comments I would get from people. I remember walking Andrew in the stroller and having neighbors comment to me on how loud he was. How they could hear him yelling when they would take their dogs out at night and how they couldn’t believe how loud he was. If I was able to get enough courage to go out in public I was quickly discouraged by the looks of onlookers around me. There were times I had to go to Target or the grocery store and I was always shocked by the judgment of others. I have had people say to me, “Gee you really have your hands full.” I overheard one lady say, “Man, what is wrong with her son!” One lady at checkout one time said to me, “Has he just never heard “no” before?” The best was when one time Andrew was in a good mood and just wanted another cracker at the store. A man walked by me and said, “Man, what is wrong with your son? Tough time of day?” I replied, “No, he just wants another cracker. He is actually having a good day. “ Andrew was actually in a good mood that trip, he was just excited and is just THAT loud. That man came back later during my shopping trip and apologized to me for his comment earlier. I just smiled and said, “No problem, happens all the time.”
We saw a huge change in Andrew after his tongue-tie surgery and his reflux and constipation issues resolved. He did however keep some of his learned behavior. We were prepared for that and were told it would take about a year to grow out of it because that’s how long he went through it. Turning 2 with this type of scream was no picnic. There were often times that if Andrew did have a meltdown in the car over something I would literally have to pull the car over to the side of the road until I could get him to calm down. It was just too distracting.
I had difficulty taking him to certain places. There were places I would go and if something set him off I would have to pick him up screaming and carry him out. There were places I would not be able to show my face at for at least a few months in hopes they would forget about me. One time at the library check out Andrew threw such a fit 2 librarians ran to me so fast to help me at the self check out to get us the heck out of there.
I would try time and time again to take my kiddos to story times in the various cities libraries nearby. I would often switch up which session we attended and which library. I didn’t want to be recognized. There were so many times I had to carry Andrew out screaming. Our favorite library had a train table. We would have the best time ever at that library and could spend the entire morning there. When it came time to leave no matter how much I prepared Andrew he would scream from the train table to the car in sheer hysterics. I remember one time carrying him out and having people standing up from their computers to see the scene we were making… Awesome… I liked that library so much I bought trains to bring with us to try to get him to hold those as we walked out. No dice. Just screams. I haven’t showed my face back there for a long time. I have learned libraries are really not a good place for us. I just wanted to do “normal” things with my kids and Adalyn loved the library. On the rare occasion we go now we attend the toddler story time where everyone is loud. I generally can’t take Andrew to the Preschool one for Adalyn. I usually get about 5 minutes into class when the teacher gives a friendly reminder that if your child is disruptive you can kindly take him out until he calms down.
We greatly enjoy going to the zoo and even the aquarium. We usually do great at those places. The aquarium works so long as we don’t stop at the café upstairs for a snack after. There is a car game there. The last time I tried to take Andrew from the car game I had to carry him in hysterics down the high flight of stairs and people literally walked out of the aquarium to see the scene that we were making. I always feel like we are a spectacle and I absolutely hate that feeling of judgment more than anything.
About two months ago I discovered Chik-fil-A. Where has that been the past two years? How did I not know about this? There are two about 20 minutes in either direction from me. They are very clean, have an almost soundproof play area with a door and I don’t have to feel guilty about feeding my kiddos the food! I am now meeting friends with kiddos for play dates there. Heck, I don’t even have to clean my house! So yes, I think Chik-fil-A is the best place ever! I have yet to try mom’s valet but I hear that is pretty great too! If you go through the drive thru you can order your food and they will have it at your table waiting for you when you get inside. Again, best place ever invented for parents with small kiddos! Last time, I was there they came around with free cookies!
For anyone reading this I want you to take away one thing from our story. If you see a parent in public dealing with a meltdown kindly do one of the following.
- Smile at the mom and give her a head nod. The, “I have been there and so I know what you are going through head nod.” Hell, you could even offer to help her if the situation is bad enough.
- Do not give that mom any looks. She already feels like the worst mom ever in that moment and does not need your extra judgment. She is hard enough on herself.
- If nothing else, please mind your own business and do not stare at them. Go on about your shopping trip. Move Along. There is nothing to see here.
I one time had a meltdown so bad that I had a mom casually follow behind me and said, “I am right behind you if you need help.” She followed me all the way to my car and sat on a bench behind me until I got things under control. While at the time it felt a bit odd, I know what she was doing. She knew what I was going through. She wanted to help. What an angel. I have actually done it for other moms. I saw a mom one time at the dentist unable to physically get her child in the car over a meltdown. She looked exhausted and beyond frustrated. I actually went over to help her once I got my kids buckled in. I helped her calm her child down just enough that she was able to get them buckled. Was it my place? I don’t know. But, I have been in that moment and I know how hard it really is.
As Andrew has hit 2 ½ he is starting to get much better. He is understanding what it means when momma puts her finger in front of her mouth and says “Shh.” He will mimic it back. He is also accepting bribery much better now. Sometimes I bribe him to get in the car by offering a reward or cookie. Don’t tell my husband that. Before going anywhere I always have a conversation with Andrew that if we go inside you have to be a good boy and no screaming. He actually says, “Ok momma”. The best thing that is helping us are tips that I got from a book, “Happiest Toddler on the Block.” By Harvey Karp, MD. One of my husbands co-workers got this for my for Christmas. I have to say it is one of the best parenting books I have ever read. Using tips from this book got me through a meltdown at the start of our Target trip this week and led to a trip that was completed happily with diapers and food pouches rather than me leaving empty handed.
I also have been using what I call the “Screaming Station”. If Andrew has a fit I open up the pack n play and set him in there until he calms down. When he has a meltdown wherever we are I say, “I am going to put you in the Screaming Station.” This sometimes works to. After he is in the Screaming Station I check on him every few minutes and ask, “Are you done screaming?” When he is done, he will finally say, “Yes.” That’s when he comes out.
I recently read an article that talked about in the midst of a public tantrum to remain calm. That others are not judging your child they are judging your reaction. While I absolutely agree with that I also find this to be incredibly sad. It is sad that we judge mothers so harsh in the first place. You have absolutely no idea what that family is going through or has been through. You have no idea when that mother slept last or showered for that matter. Please give her a break on your judgment. Your day may come when you are in that same situation. You may have already been there. Please think back and remember how tough it is. Motherhood is tough & amazing all at the same time but there are no doubt very hard momma minutes.
I was helping my children wash their hands in the Chik-fil-A bathroom the other day and a lady walked by and said, “Oh, I don’t miss those days.” That makes me so sad to hear that. I will miss these days. Hard ones included. My lil sweet peas will only be this young for so long. I am enjoying this time. Even if it’s loud. Even if it’s hard. Even if they scream. So please, don’t judge if you see us. Just look the other way or smile and give me a head nod. Say, “Oh, momma, I have been there!” And smile… but please no looks or judgmental comments.