Life at that time was tough. The same week we brought Andrew from the hospital our dear 13-year-old golden retriever Maggie started having seizures and started showing signs of Cushing’s disease. To have a child with colic and reflux and a sick dog was a lot on my plate at once. It was a lot to take. I know it was hard on my daughter Adalyn too. She would always say, “Andrew cries all the time!” When I was working full time it had always been my dream to be home full time with Ady. Now that I was home full time, I kept Adalyn in daycare part time. It was her break and looking back it was good for her although I felt guilt at the time. I felt it would be really hard for her to go from full time day care to being home full time with a baby brother who screamed as he did. It hurt my heart but I thought it was what was best for her. I remember days when Adalyn was home how frustrated she would get during Andrew’s crying. I remember our Pediatrician reminding us that when you have a newborn to play and give special time to your older child when your baby sleeps. I remember my husband and I thinking but he doesn’t sleep. Adalyn was once so mad at Andrew screaming she went over and threw the DVD player across the room.
It was always my plan to go back to work part-time after 3 months. When that time rolled around I couldn’t even fathom going back to work. There were days Andrew would scream 4 hours straight, poop and have a wonderful afternoon. I remember telling my husband, “I don’t know how someone else would handle this, especially if they had a room full of other kids that needed attention too.” I just couldn’t bring myself to put Andrew in someone else’s care. I didn’t trust anyone else with him for extended periods of time. I was so afraid someone would get frustrated with him. There were good days and bad days but the bad days were real hard. The car rides were real hard. The sleepless nights were real hard. I remember if I had to get in the car and drive somewhere being afraid to put on my sunglasses. I remember feeling like if I put my sunglasses on that I would fall asleep at the wheel. It was a different kind of “tired” that I had ever known in my life.
I remember each day I always had the Today Show on in the background. I remember telling myself if I ever figure out what hurts my son I will get on that show and tell every mother so no child ever has to go through this pain for this long.
When Andrew would wake at night it woke you each time like a fire alarm. We would literally jump out of bed and run it was that loud and startling. It wasn’t like you would start to hear your kid rustling on the monitor next to you and you head to their room in a sleepy daze. It was more that he woke in pure pain hysterics that made us both jump in confusion and run like two confused chickens with their heads cut off. Our poor Adalyn would complain each morning that she didn’t get any sleep.
My husband came up with a rule that year that I think every couple with a colicky child should inherit. He came up with the idea that no matter what we said to one another in frustration during those endless sleepless nights we would not hold against one another the next day. We actually both followed it and never spoke of things that were said and never would discuss them again. With each day the waking sun brought us instant forgiveness. Looking back it was the best gift he could have given to me at that time.
While I know what it was all like in my shoes at that time. I know it all couldn’t have been easy on my husband either and I have to acknowledge that. He had to go to work each day. He had to continue running his business as usual. He also had 2 companies that were entertaining the idea of purchasing him. He had a lot on his plate too. I remember him telling me once that it was hard because he “ wanted to help so bad but didn’t know what he could do.” We had talked about the idea of starting to look for a bigger house after a 2nd child. It became his escape as he started checking out homes for us. I think in his way it was a light at the end of the tunnel and something he could do for our family.
I got through each day. There were good days and very hard bad days. But you endure. I prayed. I prayed each day and thanked god for the many blessings we did have. I would pray: God, give me strength, give me patience, give me love. Each time it got tough I would whisper this or repeat this in my head. I believe whole-heartedly it was my faith that gave me the strength during that time. I think any mom out there loses and seeks for additional patience at times. None of us are perfect. That year, somehow I begged for patience in a way I never knew I needed.