I remember throughout our doctor appointments being asked, “How are you handling things?” and “Are you taking breaks”? I remember one doctor saying, “You seem to be handling things well but when it gets to a point where you need help in how to handle Andrew’s behavior there are people that can help you better deal.” I remember these clear as day and I remember thinking. “There will be time for me.. Right now it’s about them.” “I was always just fine. Let’s worry about them.” I coped in other ways. While I tried to cope in other ways I will be the first to admit there were times I broke.. Because I am human. I prayed often and tried to channel my energy into other things. When I didn’t want to break and when I needed a break from my own head I would start a project. I would refurbish something or fix something around the house. My late step-dad taught me how to use a power drill and anything I could fix myself, I did. I learned to fix our garage through utube videos. I think there was a sense of empowerment I felt I gained from this. Fixing and bringing new life to things around me gave me some control in a world I felt I had none. When I was able to learn something new or fix something that I didn’t think could be saved it reminded me I had to press on. It was a reminder to not give up and that I could bring new life to our household as I brought new life to things in it. I couldn’t cure the eczema and allergies around me but I could channel my frustration in something positive rather than my kids seeing me break from the disappointment that I couldn’t’ help them. Doing “projects” was how I handled the stress. When I would paint or spray paint or fix something my thoughts melted away and I could shut my thinking off for a minute and I needed that sometimes. I didn’t let myself leave my kiddos often so it was a way for me to escape without being away and it was good for me.
The activities with my kids that we did were a part of this. Cleveland winter days can be long. I do what I can to keep my kids active and on the go. You can usually find us in the winter at the Rainforest, Aquarium or Chik-Fil-A Play land but some days you can’t get out. When I was home with the kiddos I needed to keep my head out of the searching and writing and focused on them. I used Pinterest to try fun activities with them. We play with snow, used sensory table and painted often. I wanted to engulf my children in fun memories so that when they look back on their childhood they don’t remember all the doctor’s appointments or me stressed out. I just want them to remember the fun. That’s very important to me. I can’t tell you how many times Adalyn’s teachers tell me, “Ady tells us that Andrew screams and poops a lot.” Yeah, I know that all too well. But, at least she loves him and they play well together is all I can think and that we survived.