Hindsight is 20/20. I have heard people use this saying in the past but I guess I never thought much of it. I finally get what it truly means. It is amazing that when you are going through something like we have the past 11 months and you are so overwhelmed, exhausted and just plain spent you can’t see the big picture. When I look back I think why didn’t I just do this or that. There are so many “why didn’t I know this” and “why didn’t I think of that”. Things that look so obvious now were not even considerations then. I just wasn’t in the know. I hope I can be someone’s hindsight. If writing this gives just one person a clear vision up front and they don’t have to endure what we did, than it was all worth it to put this down.
Today was a good day. My son only got up one time last night. He was pretty happy today with minimum fits of bloody murder cries and he actually took a nap. I showered today. I usually tell myself if I can shower, empty the dishwasher and do a load of laundry then my day was not a total loss. I actually consider this productive. It’s exhausting to go back and forth between good days and bad. While I am not complaining to have a good day… it’s the rough days that really get me. I think it is because I know how good a day can be and that it is possible for my son to have them.
Yesterday, well let’s just say it was a bad day. Last night I stared at myself in the mirror before bed. I didn’t recognize the woman I saw staring back. I just look defeated. It wasn’t that I took my daughter to school, then Andrew to the doctor, then my dog to the vet, then rushed home to clean my house for a house showing then back out to get Ady from school, then home to play with the kids, then final clean before showing and finally out of the house for the showing. I can handle the craziness of life. It’s the fact that I think Andrew screamed through most of the day. He was having a “bad day”. While at this point it could be reflux, gas, his constipation, inability to tolerate food or his irritability from lack of sleep. Whatever the culprit today. It was a bad day. It makes it all the more tough when you have a loaded day to survive. That’s what I feel I do anymore. I survive. And when at the end of the day I look in the mirror on a day like today. I don’t look at myself and say “good job!” I think, wow, you really sucked today. Think of all the times you lost your patience. You really look like hell. Man you have aged. How can my husband possibly find me attractive? These things race through my mind, along with many others. Sometimes I need a vacation from mind. I am just drained in ways I have never felt depleted before.